UK Calls “Olly Olly Oxen Free” on Assange

September 2, 2012
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George Lucas: WikiLeaks founder is a Han Solo for the 21st century

LONDON (TheBadgerCA) – In a desperate attempt to put an end to a two-month-long game of diplomatic hide-and-seek with WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, the British government has called “olly olly oxen free,” hoping to lure out the pale defender of freedom of speech. But the Australian tattletale remains as elusive as ever.

Mr. Assange has been hiding at Ecuador’s embassy in London over fears he will be extradited to Sweden and then transferred to the United States for torture, a medieval and barbaric practice which the editors of this publication rarely condone.

For those unfamiliar with the geopolitical complexities of this story, director George Lucas draws the following analogy to demonstrate what could happen to Mr. Assange.

“It’s like in Star Wars when intergalactic smuggler Han Solo (Assange) thinks he is safe but is then handed over by his friend Lando Calrissian (Britain) to bounty hunter Boba Fett (Sweden), only to be cashed in to the giant alien slug Jabba the Hutt (The United States of America). But they forgot about the hero Luke Skywalker (Ecuador).”

Cartographers only recently rediscovered Ecuador on August 16 when the boring little South American wasteland offered asylum to Mr. Assange. Ecuador had formerly been consigned to the dark shadows of historical oblivion ever since Spanish conquistadors abandoned it because of increased cases of altitude sickness and ennui.

Rape allegations

Often referred to as the Jimi Hendrix of whistleblowing, Julian Assange is wanted for questioning in Sweden over allegations of rape. But many experts believe the snitch is totally innocent.

“I don’t see how the accusations warrant any merit whatsoever because Assange looks fairly queer,” says one jailed bigot rapist who did not want to be named.

The former computer hacker shot to worldwide fame in 2010 when his WikiLeaks site published a massive cache of secret diplomatic cables it received from Bradley Manning, a very naughty U.S. soldier.

Mr. Assange is holding out hope he can somehow escape from Britain and make it to Ecuador’s Galapagos Islands to live under UNESCO protection.

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