“Movie Reviews for Movies I’ve Not Seen” by Ron Chapman – “Premium Rush”

September 4, 2012


So I’m a single dad with two kids and I’ve got no time to see any damn movies.  Bryce, the eldest, discovered what ring worm is like this week.  Trey is still eating dirt. Copious amounts of dirt. I can pretty much tell what his shit is going to look like before I pry open that fucking diaper.

I’ve got to review this movie about some cyclist that is probably about the same age as the executive assistant who was and probably still is banging my ex-wife.  I say “probably” since I’ve no idea if she’s still stealing sloppy blowjobs off of the guy in the supply closet or getting sent the big sausage package in the exec toilets from the guy.  She may have already unhinged her jaws and ingested him like as much thick trucker man sausage that she’s used to.  I don’t get to dine on sausage.  I have two semi-retarded children I have to take care of by making money at my job managing a Best Buy to ensure that they have enough canned spaghetti going into their eat holes.  So, when the hell do I get to watch movies?  Never.  But The Badger, in their oh-so-infinite wisdom, decided that since I was at the hub of the entertainment business here in my office-less hovel at BB, I’d be the perfect candidate to review movies that were amazing and still brilliant.  But here’s the thing.  I’m around this shit pit 12 hours a day.  I have no time to watch any bullshit at all.  I truly have no idea what the fuck these jackoffs are looking for.

They asked that I review “Premium Rush”.  So here’s a goddamn bike movie review.  I’ve no fucking idea what this movie is about.  It looks like it’s about a bike courier.  Which is great since I remember seeing “Quicksilver” years ago and that had a real actor like Kevin Bacon in it.  So that was good.  This thing?  Dunno.  The star of it looks like a bike courier.  The kind of bike courier who I assume is also shifting his gear into my wife like some bad porno.  So, yeah, screw this movie.  My kids are on goddamn Schwinns and I wouldn’t film them falling off of them let along greenlight this project.  If the big suspense is “Will the courier get the package to the office in time?” that’s just following someone doing their goddamn job.  This would be worse than that stupid show on OLN where you follow guys pulling crab out of the water.  I’ll wait for the sequel, Premium Rush 2: White Guys in Dreadlocks Cutting Off More Motorists While Scoping Weed.

Save your money for alimony payments on this one.

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