Police Issue ‘Movember’ Warning

November 1, 2012
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While November 1st marks the beginning of ‘Movember,’ an embarrassing month-long effort by some men to raise awareness for prostate cancer by growing mustaches, police are reminding the public about the dangers associated with this creepy facial hair.

“As soon as men start growing so-called “Movember” mustaches, we see a sharp increase in violent crimes, sexual assaults, and general douchebaggery. It’s all attributable to the mustache,” says Sgt. Barry Trapp of the International Movember Task Force.

Studies show that nations with the greatest mustaches per capita levels have higher crime rates and lower IQs. Pakistan, which ranked first on the United Nations’ 2011 Mustache Ratio Index, is also a lawless realm and haven for terrorists. Many clean-shaven Pakistanis blame this on the stache.

According to the National Rifle Association, America’s foremost authority on firearms, “Guns don’t kill people. People with mustaches kill people.”

Statistics prove this to be a frightening fact. Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Genghis Khan, Saddam Hussein and Yosemite Sam all sported a hairy lip and they were known murderers.

Albert Einstein attempted to reverse the mustache’s negative press by proving that good men could also grow them but his efforts were in vain.

“History has always portrayed villains, pedophiles and murderers as men with mustaches. This is because, for the most part, it’s true,” says Elvis Tanner, a facial hair pundit and author of the book ‘Wicked Whiskers: Why Men with Mustaches Are Evil.’”

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