As the final day of campaigning draws to an end, the editors of this publication are proud to announce our unwavering support for the man who deserves to be the next president of the United States of America, Mitt Romney.
Although history has shown that no Republican candidate has ever defeated a black rival, Mr. Romney wins our backing for the following reasons.
Mitt Romney clearly does not care about women’s issues. As a sexist publication, this highly appeals to our swollen misogyny. Mr. Romney is against having a safe and legal abortion, against access to birth control, and he wants to remove funding for Planned Parenthood. In other words, Mitt Romney wants to get into your bedroom, which is kind of kinky.
When it comes to illegal immigration, Mitt Romney’s “No Spic Left Behind” policy is revolutionary. Immigrants are fine if they’re picking vegetables in the blistering sun on temporary visas or coming in as mail order brides but if they’re going to sneak across the border to steal jobs, well, in short, “No way, José.”
Barack Obama is pro-gay, which makes the editors at this publication uneasy. Mr. Obama is in favour of gay marriage and a host of other gay rights that threaten civilization. Mr. Romney knows that gay marriage is wrong. As an openly sexist, racist and homophobic publication, The Badger is proud to stand behind Mr. Romney on this issue.
On the subject of religion, Mitt Romney is a venerable practitioner of two faiths: Mormonism and Capitalism, and these beliefs help shape the cornerstone of his character. Mormonism is, unfortunately, a vastly misunderstood religion the same way polygamy is a misinterpretation of men’s rights. The Badger believes in the union of church and state and no other candidate could better achieve this utopian ideal than Mitt Romney.
For these explicit reasons, The Badger wholeheartedly endorses Mitt “the Shit” Romney for president of the United States of America.