Starbucks Introduces $7 Cup of Coffee Due to Inability to Place Its Penis in Your Face

December 5, 2012

SEATTLE, WA (TheBadgerCA) – This week Starbucks introduced its new coffee Geisha, a rare Costa Rican coffee that costs $40 per half-pound.  To the consumer, this will translate to approximately $7.00 for a 16-ounce cup.

Bête Noir That is Geisha

Ken Meier, Vice-President of Global Marketing for Starbucks explained the company’s desire and direction to bring forward the expensive coffee line.  “At Starbucks, we are committed to our quality product.  As well, we have become known for $5 lattes and specialty coffees.  That’s our current market share.  People know that when they come to Starbucks, anywhere in the world, be it the US, Canada, France, Australia, even Japan, they know that they are going to get a quality cup of coffee.  They also know that they’re going to pay a lot for it.  And this is regardless of the currency.  That’s the beauty of Starbucks.  We have succeeded in this regard.“But we can’t rest on our laurels.  Every company has to move forward and improve.  We have made a business out of treating our customers not unlike a drug dealer.  People are willing to pay whatever we want to charge for a ‘half-soy decaf macchiato’, whatever the hell that is.  It’s amazing.”

Gavin Meegs, Director of New Product Development said it was a collective company effort that saw Geisha hit the shelves at Starbucks.  “At a recent retreat where we discussed new customer initiatives and engagements, we asked ourselves ‘We are already extorting our customer base and they are responding.  What then do we do to take this to the next level?’  We mulled it over as a collective and it was actually Steve (Durham, Director of Customer Satisfaction) that piped up and said ‘Why don’t we stick our dick in their mouths?’  This was a fresh idea, and we explored it, but you have no idea how stringent the laws are around these types of things.  It just wasn’t plausible.  So instead, our Product team came up with a new bean that really is forward thinking in how to gouge.  It’s pretty remarkable.”

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