WASHINGTON, DC (TheBadgerCA) – As the world waits for the first formal statement from the National Rifle Association since the massacre in Newtown, CT that claimed the lives of 26 people, 20 of whom were children, NRA spokesmen have turned to the occult in hopes of conveying both sympathy and strength in purpose regarding gun ownership in the United States.
In a move seen as desperate to many, a group of NRA public relations officials gathered together in a room Thursday night with Alison Dewey, a medium purportedly able to communicate with the dead in the hopes of gathering information from their most celebrated, active and now dead supporter, Charlton Heston.
As Ms. Dewey asked the PR representatives to gather round the candle-lit table and join hands, she incanted what appeared to be low moans in order to “summon the spirit world to the living world”. Andrew Nessy, a junior PR executive invited to the séance, had his initial thoughts of skepticism reversed. “I thought this whole thing was a load of crap, and then suddenly the table began to quiver. Once we started to see words spelled out on the Ouija board, it seemed to make sense.”
Once the table moved and the candles around the room flickered, Ms. Dewey confirmed the presence of Mr. Heston in the room. The PR team then placed their hands on the Ouija board marker and advice was then asked of Mr. Heston.
When asked what to expect upon the release of their statement tomorrow, Heston replied from beyond the grave that they should expect to “E-A-T-A-P-L-A-T-E-O-F-S-H-I-T”. When asked if there was anything they could do to spin the tragedy in the direction of furthering the NRA mission, the ghost of Heston stated “N-O-W-A-Y-T-O-S-P-I-N-T-H-I-S-W-E-R-F-U-K-D-P-A-K-I-T-U-P-B-O-Y-S”.
The NRA is expected to work through the night following this information.