Local Family Continues Tradition of Christmas Ending in Dinner, Tears

December 25, 2012
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The annual ticking timebomb that is the Cunningham family

LONDON, ON (TheBadgerCA) – Traditions run long and deep in the Cunningham family, and no other time of year brings the traditions out of this London, Ontario family than Christmas.  With an extended family numbering close to 20, the family descends on Dan and Ella Cunningham’s family home for the yearly tradition of Christmas dinner and family in-fighting that ends in tears.

David, 34, the middle child of Dan and Ella, recognizes the consistency of the family gathering.  “It’s pretty much the same thing every year.  We’re the first to arrive and everything appears normal.  Mom’s cooking and my kids get to play with Grampa Dan.  We get a good 15-to-20 minutes of good family time, and then my older brother Edward shows up with his family.  That’s when things begin to derail slightly.  Edward’s wife hits the wine as soon as she’s through the door and they don’t really parent their kids Moon and Charity, so they go nuts in the house pulling the dog’s ears and throwing Hot Wheels cars at my kids.  So we separate them and then Edward tells me how he needs money from me for some investment or other.”

Edward Cunningham, 29, welcomes the holiday time.  “It’s a great time for us as we get to reconnect with my side of the family and draw on some new connections for some of my up-and-coming business plans that need some fresh capital to get off the ground.”

Edward’s wife, Cyndi, seemed less excited about the family reunion.  “It’s a break for me to let someone else parent for once. My kids are a frigging handful so it’s about time I get a break.  That is until Edward’s whore of a sister Brynne shows up with her new boyfriend, whoever the hell that is this year.  It’s the same story where she goes on some vegan-inspired feminist rant about how Santa is male and keeps the whole tradition of misogyny going and whatever the hell.  I give up.  Is that a Chardonnay that’s open?”

Lynne Cunningham, David’s wife, shared this perspective on the annual event.  “It’s pretty much like clockwork.  We show up to help with dinner.  Ella buries herself into the dinner so she doesn’t need to worry about Cyndi getting drunk or Edward scamming money out of whoever Brynne bring to dinner.  You’ve got five kids fighting over whatever the big toy that year is until it gets broken, and then we sit down to dinner.  Everything seems okay at the beginning, then eventually Cyndi slaps one of the kids at the Kid’s Table, then Brynne has something to say about one of the dishes being cruel to animals and there’s no gluten-free-slash-vegan-ovo-allergy-slash-whatever the hell is the new trend going, then there’s a big fight about money, who Dan and Ella love more, and then all the women leave for separate bathrooms crying and the men eat turkey in silence.

“Merry Christmas everyone.”

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