DAY 1: ‘Pontiff Idol’ Preliminaries

March 4, 2013

Three cardinals discuss forming an alliance with an African cardinal as they prepare for ‘Pontiff Idol,’ or ‘Sistine Survivor’

VATICAN CITY (@TheBadger) – Over 100 Catholic cardinals are meeting in the Vatican to decide when the College of Cardinals will select a successor to Pope Benedict XVI, who stepped down as head of the hypocritical institution last week.

On the first day of the pre-conclave session, the red-capped male virgins were unable to choose a date to commence the conclave but they reportedly had fun doing a Vatican version of the Harlem Shake.

The Papal conclave, dubbed Pontiff Idol, or So You Think You Can Pope, or even Vatican Big Brother, and Sistine Survivor, is expected to last at least two weeks.

While proceedings are off-limits to the public and media, your correspondent has learned through his trustworthy, anonymous and, secretive channels about some of the tasks that the pontiff-picking process will entail. They include:

      • Funny Hat Competition
      • Hymn-Singing / Dance Choreography
      • Magic Trick or Miracle
      • Altar Boy Obstacle Course
      • Mock Crucifixions

The potential popes will have to impress enough members of the College of Cardinals to secure a two-thirds majority vote, at which time white smoke signals will be sent from Vatican chimneys spelling this new pope’s name above the skies of St. Peter’s Square. Losing cardinals will be sent home with a papal conclave gift bag containing holy items valued at over 50,000 Euros.

St. Peter won the first Pontiff Idol almost two centuries ago. Now, he is the greeter at the pearly gates of Heaven’s entrance, still lobbying God for a promotion.

We will continue to update you on this ongoing story. Stay tuned for the latest on the upcoming Pontiff Idol.

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