Vatican Swag: A Look Inside the Papal Conclave Gift Bag

March 12, 2013

The Sistine Swag Bag: Losing cardinals will not be going home empty-handed

‘Pontiff Idol’ is officially underway in Vatican.

The College of Cardinals has begun the process of picking a new leader of the perverse Catholic Church, the biggest cult in the world. Only one cardinal will finish the papal conclave wearing the big pointy hat of honour.

But that doesn’t mean the losing clergymen will go home empty-handed. On the contrary, they will leave the Vatican with quite a lot of loot once the white smoke has cleared from the skies above the Sistine Chapel.

Your correspondent got a glimpse inside the papal conclave swag bag to see what cardinals will be getting as parting gifts once their Petrine dreams are crushed.

Here is a list of some of those items:

  • ‘Got God?’ T-shirt
  • Virgin Mary and baby Jesus locket
  • Team Vatican baseball hat
  • Papal Conclave ‘Pontiff Idol’ coffee mug
  • Three-pack of Cadbury’s Easter Cream Eggs
  • Ceiling poster of the Sistine Chapel ceiling interior
  • Beloved John Paul II lollipop
  • Gold rosary
  • Lifetime supply of KY Jelly
  • Gold NAMBLA lapel pin* (*for North American cardinals only)
  • Two-week vacation to Diddler’s Paradise in Thailand
  • Free ‘Get Out of Jail Card’
  • $500 in World of Wacky Hats gift certificates

Virgin Mary, Baby Jesus locket (value: $2500)

Lollipop of revered pope John Paul II (value: $3.50)

Team Vatican Baseball Hat (value: $40)








The College of Cardinals is hoping to elect a new pope by Easter, or as some call it, Feast of the Execution of Jesus on the Cross.

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