Racist Toronto Zoo Grizzly Bears Worried of Pandas’ Impact on Habitat Resale Values

March 25, 2013
By

TORONTO, ON (TheBadgerCA) – Most Toronto residents are looking forward to the arrival of two panda bears, Da Mao and Er Shun that will soon be making their home at the Toronto Zoo. The bears even received a ceremonial welcome from Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, bidding them a fond reception.

“Well, there goes the goddamn neighbourhood.”

Most Toronto residents are happy to see the pair of pandas, that is. But not everyone. Toronto Zoo resident grizzly bear Samson is not looking forward to the arrival, citing that he now imagines the property value of his habitat will drop because of the Chinese arrivals.

Said Samson in an interview today, “You ever walk through Chinatown here on garbage day? I mean, I get lured by a garbage pail, don’t get me wrong, but wow. Just…wow. That’s the smell that’s going to get dragged in here and what’s that going to do to my habitat value? It’s going to go down like Egg Drop Soup or whatever the hell they eat.”

When it was brought to Samson’s attention that pandas eat bamboo and not anything that is on offer in Chinatown, he still remained steadfast in his reaction. “Great, another of those Zen-hippie asshole vegan types. Perfect. Now they’re going to be doing Yoga and showing their ass everywhere. What are you, a bear or not? Eat a fish, eat a deer, something. If Shintay (Samson’s wive) ever showed up with bamboo on a plate, she’d be eating the back of my paw and be thrown out so she could live in that Red commie scum hut. There goes the goddamn neighbourhood.”

Samson continued, “There’s a reason FedEx is bringing them. They’re from China and can’t drive for shit!” When it was noted to Samson that he as a species can’t drive either, Samson was overheard muttering “Harper’s in bed with the Chinese now, so there’s going to be a lot of this now. Goddamn immigration. They should close the borders, seriously. I’ve got half a mind to go back to Alberta and forget this bullshit.”

Neither the Toronto Zoo nor Shintay the grizzly bear were available for comment.

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