Toronto Mayor Ford: “Seriously, What The Hell Do I Have To Do To Get Fired?”

May 17, 2013

“Seriously, folks. What do I have to do?”

TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – After a hectic day spent by Toronto’s mayor Rob Ford, Ford reached out to the assembled press in an impromptu press conference at City Hall. Visibly exhausted from a day that included the mayor at a PFLAG flag raising ceremony, it is not the assembled pomp and circumstance of the LGBT community. Today the mayor spent most of his time deflecting questions regarding a video that emerged from the rumour website Gawker. The video shows the Toronto mayor smoking crack in a Toronto drug den.

Appearing to hold back tears, the mayor took a deep breath and composed himself in front of the gathered press pack. Taking a deep breath, he looked up and cleared his throat.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you today weighed down by a mighty question. In the past, you have brought forward stories of me yelling at immigrants while I was minding my own business being drunk outside of city hall hours at a hockey game. I got asked to leave a fundraiser because, as you say witnesses tell you, I was disorientated [sic]. You even say I grabbed some woman’s ass. And now this. You now believe that you have footage of me smoking crack with some Samolians [sic]. So now, that’s the new thing. I guess the question I have for you all, as I stand here as mayor of the greatest city in Canada. Seriously, with all of my heart, what do I have to do to get fired?

“There were these conflict of interest charges, which by the way, I still don’t understand because I haven’t read the book you told me to. And I beat those. And you, the press, and those arseholes at the Toronto Star especially, you all thought I was done. Finished. But I came back. And you know I’ll come back from this. The 905ers that hate the Lefties won’t stand for it. I’ll be back. But seriously, I hate this job.

“It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that I’m not good at this. I suck. I just want to coach football. Can I go back to that? I’m sure I could quit, but I’ll bet that’s hard and requires reading so there’s no point doing that. Seriously, what do I need to do? I’m begging you. Help a guy out here.”

With that, the mayor wiped his eye and left the room.

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