Oct 14, 2014 – TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – With the world in a state of panic, local hipster Brendan Pallson, 28, has become the first known contractor of the Ebola virus in Toronto. What is worse is that Pallson has stated that he contracted the virus at least 12 months ago and is a survivor. Pallson stated that “I don’t know why everyone is in a blind panic. I got Ebola, like, last year. No one was talking about it then, so not sure why the big deal right now. Whatever.”
Dr. Ina Phinnaus, a doctor specializing in viruses and contageons at Toronto General Hospital, is shocked at Pallson’s claims. “For Mr. Pallson to be able to contract the Ebola virus last year, and be alive today, is truly remarkable. I’ve never seen anything like it, but I would love to get a chance to examine Mr. Pallson and determine how his immune system is managing to tackle this very aggressive virus strain.
Pallson continued to state that “when I got Ebola, there was like me, and three other people with it. That was it. Now, it’s totally jumped the shark. So, yeah, I’m totally done with it.” Dr. Phinnaus was skeptical with the claims. “For one person to have the virus and survive is one thing. Four cases total as Mr. Pallson claims? The chances are astronomical.”
Pallson remained resolute in his claim. “Ebola is like the work of (Danish film director) Nicolas Winding Refn. ‘Valhalla Rising’ was great and no one knew about it. Suddenly he puts out ‘Drive’ with that doe-eyed (actor Ryan) Gosling and everyone’s falling over it. No way. I’ve moved on. I’m all into this Argentinian director now, but I’m not going to tell you. I don’t what that thing Ebola-ed on me. I don’t want you to go and make that all commercial on me.”
The Badger has discovered that Pallson’s new Argentinian director in question is Carlos Sorin, director of 2012’s “Gone Fishing”.