TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – To celebrate their third anniversary of news reporting and editorials, the entire editorial team of The Badger emerged from captivity at the hands of a kidnapper that held them for over nine months. Champagne was uncorked and hors d’oeuvres devoured at the offices of The Badger as they breathed their first breaths of fresh air for months through open office windows. The entire team was held by a man only known as “Mr. Cage” who barely fed and brutally abused them. To this day, The Badger has no idea what Mr. Cage looks like.
Donald Savage, a typesetter for The Badger remarked “The stuff he did to us and the food he left us was really bad. We were all cramped in a room the size of a McDonald’s bathroom, but without the toilets. To be able to move and use a flushing toilet instead of a bucket on a rope lowered into our cage…that will be nice. I don’t think you’ll hear me complaining about my cubicle for a long time.
The team have no idea what precipitated their escape. Said Kylee Bruce, Fact-Checker, “It was weird. We got our morning hosing for cleanliness and as we shivered we realized that this time, Mr. Cage left the cell door open. We couldn’t believe it. So we just walked out. Pretty awesome.”
Police speculate that after repeated decreasing ransom demands, Mr. Cage gave up when he realized no one really cared if The Badger lived or died.