Republican Candidates Looking for New God Following Pope Francis’s “Stream of Hippie Bullshit”

September 24, 2015
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Pope Francis’s speech was not accepted by the Republican congressman found behind him.

WASHINGTON BUREAU (TheBadgerCA) – Republican candidates are rethinking their relationship with God as Pope Francis, representative of  the Christian Almighty on Earth, spoke to the US Congress Thursday morning. In his address Pope Francis called for the abolition of the death penalty, deal with climate change proactively and open borders to assist refugees. Upon hearing the address, the GOP reconsidered their stance with religion and the Christian god, and are actively looking for a new deity to follow that shares the Republican ideals on same-sex marriage, homosexuality, abortion and the expense of natural resources to assist business’ bottom-lines.

Republican presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee was disappointed with Pope Francis’s address, calling it “a stream of hippie bullshit” and “pins a ‘Hillary Clinton’ button on God’s robes”. Leigh-Ann Hampern, spokeswoman from the Huckabee campaign, said today “Huckabee, like others in the Republican party are gravely disappointed in God at the moment. It is obvious that this is the word of God, coming from the Pope as His vessel. If this is his bidding, we are actively looking for a new God, a caring God, an all-loving God. A God that shares the ideas of the Republican party and loves all of His creatures equally, except for Muslims, vegans, bi-sexuals, trannies, all the queers, really. The Hippies, Mexicans, anti-gun activists, pro-choicers, and anyone against the success of big business. These are the usual things we would expect from a God. We have been able to count on Him in the past, but we don’t know what’s happened to Him. He’s totally gone soft.”

No other Gods were available for comment on their potential alignment with the Republican party.

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