Harper Selects Middle-Class Family to Sacrifice to Lucifer in Advance of Election Night

October 19, 2015
By

The Emersons of British Columbia’s second-to-last meeting with the Prime Minister of Canada.

ABBOTSFORD, BRITISH COLUMBIA (TheBadgerCA) – The Emersons were delighted to discover today that they had been selected above thousands of middle-class families to be sacrificed by Stephen Harper to the Underworld Lord Satan in advance of Canada’s 42nd federal election. Brett Emerson, a 43-year old project manager and father of six, could barely contain his excitement. Said Emerson, “I was talking with Ellen, my wife, and when we got the call from the Conservative Party of Canada that we had been chosen to have our blood spilled in sacrifice to Satan to bring true the covenant of Harper’s elevation to the national throne, well, you don’t give that up.’

The ritual killing will take place at 9:00am local time in advance of the polls opening in BC. Ellen Emerson, a stay-at-home mother and seller of artisan objects on Etsy, is only slightly saddened that her entire family’s lives will be ended prior to the election, but realizes it is for the greater good. “To be part of the greatest nation in the world, there will be sacrifices. And we’re that sacrifice. It’s honourable, really. We sat down yesterday as a family and came to an agreement. I said ‘Megan, Lynne, Tucker, Bryce, Sylvia and Mabel, all of you have to be prepared for sacrifices in life, and this is ours.’ They didn’t seem to mind that they were to perish for the greater good of the Conservative Party of Canada, since we are promised great, great rewards in the after life. Great rewards.”

Megan Emerson, 14 and the eldest daughter of the family, was not as enthusiastic. “This is utter bullshit. Fuck the rest of the family, I’m heading over Amber’s house down the street until  this shit blows over. I can live at my aunt’s house if they’re gone. They’ve got Spotify in the house.”

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