SCARBOROUGH, ONTARIO (TheBadgerCA) – Little did Taylor Heller and Monica Dooley know that when they sat down to design their Halloween costume together that they would be heading towards a breakup that will occur Sunday morning in a tearful exchange. The common-law couple began on this path to their relationship’s demise when initial discussions occurred to narrow down their costume idea. Said Dooley, “I wanted very much to keep with an ‘Alladin’ theme since that was the first movie we ever saw together.” Heller had no idea about the plan, “I have no idea why she wanted to do the whole ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ thing, but whatever. We did ‘Breaking Bad’ last year and that was my idea so this is her year. I’ll give her that.”
After not knowing the significance of Dooley’s costume choice, Heller made another bad relationship choice of dictating what Dooley’s costume should be. “It had to be sexy. Like real sexy. Like Princess Leia sexy. I was hoping a bikini, couple of sashes, that’s it. My girlfriend before Monica did that one year at an office party of hers and it was wicked hot. We totally did it in the cab on the way home.” Dooley disagreed on the costume suggestion. Said Dooley, “I bet he’s bringing up Sarah (Heller’s previous girlfriend) about this one, isn’t he. I was hoping this year we could reclaim this and stop talking about how hot Sarah was in that costume once. It was like seven years ago. I wish he’d get over it. God.
“I found this totally nice baby blue top and pants to pull this off and a broach that I’m putting on my forehead with a ribbon. I like it, even though Taylor will say it’s too ‘ethnic’ or whatever. He’s got these weird hang-ups about garb like this since the whole ‘niqab’ thing during the election. He was all for whatever Harper was saying and so now, I don’t dare introduce him to Alayah at my work, who wears one of those. She’s totally sweet and one of the people I can go to when things at the publishing company I work at just go stupid, but yeah. There’s no WAY I could let her meet Taylor.”
“She’s going on about that stupid jewel thing, right?”, said Heller privately. “Whatever, so long as it’s not too ethnic. It’s not going to matter anyway. The whole costume is not authentic. I had a line on a real sabre sword like they’d actually use in Arab times [sic] but Monica put the old kibosh on that so I have to use this stupid fake one. It’s so stupid. I think she’s just nagging now because she’s able to.”
“That stupid sword”, said Dooley in camera. “His buddy Brian has an actual sword that Taylor thought he was going to get. There’s no way because he gets drunk pretty quickly at these things and the last thing I want is him cutting someone’s head in by accident. One year we went as The Thing and The Invisible Girl from ‘Fantastic Four’. Around midnight he saw me talking with a guy dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow and he lost it. He dragged the guy outside while saying ‘Clown Smash!’ or something. He didn’t even get his character’s name right. He’s such an idiot when he’s drunk, which is a lot.”
Said Heller in response to being reminded of this incident, “Whatever, she thinks I drink too much, maybe if I didn’t have stress at work and all of this costume shit, it’d be happier. Let’s just go to this stupid party. Her work friends better not be there.”
The couple’s breakup is scheduled following a heated debate about whether to have children or not during a brunch with friends Matt Saunders and Lori Banks.