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Vatican Swag: A Look Inside the Papal Conclave Gift Bag

March 12, 2013
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Vatican Swag: A Look Inside the Papal Conclave Gift Bag

‘Pontiff Idol’ is officially underway in Vatican. The College of Cardinals has begun the process of picking a new leader of the perverse Catholic Church, the biggest cult in the world. Only one cardinal will finish the papal conclave wearing the big pointy hat of honour. But that doesn’t mean the losing clergymen will go…

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DAY 1: ‘Pontiff Idol’ Preliminaries

March 4, 2013
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DAY 1: ‘Pontiff Idol’ Preliminaries

VATICAN CITY (@TheBadger) – Over 100 Catholic cardinals are meeting in the Vatican to decide when the College of Cardinals will select a successor to Pope Benedict XVI, who stepped down as head of the hypocritical institution last week. On the first day of the pre-conclave session, the red-capped male virgins were unable to choose…

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EXCLUSIVE: Pope Benedict XVI’s Bucket Lists Revealed

February 12, 2013
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EXCLUSIVE: Pope Benedict XVI’s Bucket Lists Revealed

Vatican City – (@TheBadgerCA) The Badger has obtained exclusive copies of two bucket lists belonging outgoing Pope Benedict XVI. The pope’s new butler has been up to the same kind of snooping as his predecessor and snapped off a couple photos, one showing what Joseph Ratzinger hopes to do before finishing his post in the…

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Assad Declared 2012 ‘International Prick of the Year’

January 4, 2013
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Assad Declared 2012 ‘International Prick of the Year’

HELSINKI (@TheBadgerCA) – It came down to two candidates. In the end, Syrian president Bashar Assad narrowly beat NHL commissioner Gary Bettman as the 2012 ‘International Prick of the Year.’ Often called the opposite of the Nobel Peace Prize, the ‘International Prick of the Year’ distinction is designated annually to the nastiest male or female public…

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North Korea Announces “Christmas Surprise” for Southern Neighbour

December 23, 2012
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North Korea Announces “Christmas Surprise” for Southern Neighbour

SEOUL (@TheBadgerCA) – North Korean madman and pudgy dictator Kim Jong-Un summoned the citizens of Pyongyang to make his yearly yuletide announcement. With an ominous nod and a wink, he told an obedient crowd of millions that he planned to personally deliver a “special Christmas surprise” to South Korea. “That won’t be Rudolph’s red nose rocketing…

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Santa Announces Syria Sanctions

December 20, 2012
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Santa Announces Syria Sanctions

OSLO (@TheBadgerCA) – In a break from his jolly holiday tradition, Santa Claus is adding his voice to the growing number of calls for an end to violence in Syria by announcing an unprecedented boycott. “The Assad regime and opposition rebels have been so, so naughty this year that Santa has been given no other…

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MLB Sends Pitching Scouts to Gaza

November 20, 2012
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MLB Sends Pitching Scouts to Gaza

In anticipation of an Israeli ground incursion into Gaza, some of Major League Baseball’s franchise owners have announced they have sent their top scouts to the region to look for the next great pitching talent. “Have you seen some of these Palestinian kids hurl rocks at Israeli tanks? They’ve got unbelievable arms. I clocked one…

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The Badger Endorses Mitt Romney for President of the United States

November 5, 2012
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The Badger Endorses Mitt Romney for President of the United States

As the final day of campaigning draws to an end, the editors of this publication are proud to announce our unwavering support for the man who deserves to be the next president of the United States of America, Mitt Romney. Although history has shown that no Republican candidate has ever defeated a black rival, Mr.…

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Police Issue ‘Movember’ Warning

November 1, 2012
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Police Issue ‘Movember’ Warning

While November 1st marks the beginning of ‘Movember,’ an embarrassing month-long effort by some men to raise awareness for prostate cancer by growing mustaches, police are reminding the public about the dangers associated with this creepy facial hair. “As soon as men start growing so-called “Movember” mustaches, we see a sharp increase in violent crimes,…

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The Hague Issues Warrant for Gary Glitter

October 29, 2012
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The Hague Issues Warrant for Gary Glitter

  LONDON (TheBadgerCA) – Convicted sex offender and glam rocker Gary Glitter has found himself in deep trouble again. When authorities picked up the “Leader of the Gang” on suspicion of sex offences in relation to Britain’s Jimmy Savile sex abuse probe they were shocked by what they found. A mountain of evidence was discovered…

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